The Inevitable

First a little background info. My oldest daughter was born to me at a young age. I was just three years older then she is now when I had her. I was not fully able to grasp the responsibilty there is to raising a child at the tender age of 16. I loved her dearly but realized very soon that what she needed was stability and that i could not offer her this. I did the smartest thing I could and let my parents adopt her. They could give her what she needed and this way i would still be able to be a part of her life.

This brings me to the inevitable. My parents have decided to move away from the town we all live in to be closer to my Father’s job. The distance isn’t far but for me it feels like a lot farther. With four more kids at home even leaving our house to go to the store becomes a chore. The idea that she will be 2 hours away instead of a few blocks is a hard thing to swallow.

My Mother and I have not had the best of relationships. Especially where my daughter is concerned. Reily knows who her mom is and the complete background on her life. The adoption was completely open and even allowed for me to have her visit. She has a relationship with her siblings and calls me mom as well. This has not been an easy thing for my mom. She has always tried to keep us at arms length and even seemed to enjoy the fact that our relationship was strained. Over the last year Reily and I have gotten closer. We have bonded and become friends even. My mother is controlling and can’t stand that we have a relationship. She doesn’t like that we talk and makes that apparently clear.

I can certainly understand how she feels. She has spent the last 13 years raising, loving and caring for her and she is afraid that I will replace her and all that she has done. I don’t blame her for feeling this way. I have done everything in my power to try and reassure her but to no avail. She allows me to be a part of her life but tries to “poison the well” in the process. This puts Reily in a difficult position and leaves me feeling like I have no ground to stand on.

I have spent years living by her rules just to keep the flow of communication open for my child and me. Trying to keep the peace and make everyone happy. I think I had dillusions that someday this would pay off for me in the end. When I found out they were moving it was like my world was shattered. I am left feeling betrayed by my own actions and regretful of the past. I am scared that the hard work I have done will be lost and have meant nothing. How do I love her but yet respect the person who has cared for her this long. I never let go and now I have no choice.

They move this weekend and I have still not come to terms with my emotions. I feel like I am grieving over something lost. I have been promised with frequent visits and realistically I know this is possible, but my heartache won’t allow me to really accept this. Only time can determine the inevitable future.

This is my child, Yet she is not mine-

My flesh and blood, but their sweat and tears-

She caries my genes, Yet will be shaped by their

personalities-

She lives strong in my heart, but her heart

feels for them-

She lives in my fantasies, my dreams.

Yet she’s their dream come true, their beautiful

and precious reality-

 

 

I gave her life, with which she made theirs whole

I learned so much to love her, that I let her go-

My child, their child it doesn’t make sense,

Yet at the same time-

My child, my dream for her to have better, then I

could give,

Their child, their dream, to give her better then

I could give,-

My child, so painful, the hurt caused by her

leaving so much grieving,

Yet a world full of happiness in their receiving.

© Heather Corcoran-Schneider